The Futility Of Impossibility (A Love Letter Devoid Of Love)

The Futility of Impossibility
(A Love Letter Devoid of Love)
A ridiculously short story by Joshua Boyce

To Whom It May Concern,

Darling, I doubt that I may express it any more clearly than this: I can't, nor will I, reciprocate any feelings and emotions that you may have for me. I don't apologize. Though, I am sorry that you're quite heartbroken and feel you will never get over it. Shall I list the reasons why? Is there any way you will accept my decision without a profound explanation as to why I should refuse you my heart? Very well.
First, and maybe most importantly, is your personal presentation. It's absolutely horrid. Now, I don't mean to say that you are ugly, or that you stink. On the contrary, you are rather handsome, well, in a way, and you don't stink much. But it's just something about you that I feel will never coexist with myself for the rest of our lives. It may be that revoltingly goofy grin you feel you must grace
the rest of the world with. It may be your arrogant attitude. It may be the fact that you feel yourself worthy to be graced by the likes of me. In any case, this is definitely the main reason I shall separate myself from you.
Secondly is the fact that, well, I am too good for you. Surely you see that yourself. I mean to say, look at yourself. A fine fellow sure, for some people, but for me? Since I am the epitome of perfection personified, I shouldn't stoop to a fellow of your, well, you know what I mean, right?
Well, darling, that's two reasons. Shall I list more? Do you really wish for me to degrade you further just to satisfy your curiosity. No, I will save you from that. After all, we are friends, and what are friends for? Oh, yes. That brings me to the next reason for writing, and that is this: let's do be friends. I feel that you may realize by now that we can't be anymore than friends, but I do hope that we can be the absolute best of friends. Of course, though, you realize that I can't call you, and you can't call me. When we see each other we are to do our best to keep the conversation to a minimum. A little, "Hello. How are you? Good-bye." Nothing too deep nor intellectually stimulating. We can't get together for, say, dinner, or a movie. When we are in a group of mutual friends you must do your best to ignore me as I shall do my best to ignore you. We must also keep all personal contact in public to a minimum. After all, what friends do these things? It would be absolutely awkward. But I do believe this will be the beginning of a beautiful acquaintanceship.

Love (but please don't),
Your Closest Friend