No, Not Yesterday

To Do List


Call Mom.
CHECK

Breathe.
CHECK

XHave A Great DayX


Well, the couch was rather comfortable. To get up would mean to face the harsh reality that seemed to be the sole element of his life. He thought hard.

As I thought, he thought, I can’t think of a worse day than this. This year, anyhow.

He sighed. He rolled over.

He thought briefly about crying but knew it would take too much effort and that there was no one to care.

Beep.

Great, he thought.

The answering machine kicked on.

“Hey, this is Josh. Apparently I was not around to answer the phone. More than likely I just didn’t want to talk to you. Go away.” Beep.

A perky female voice came on.

“Uh, Hello, Mr….. Ah! Mr. Royston! Yes, this is, uh, Jamie with the First National Bank. We were just calling to let you know that you are bankrupt. Have a great day!” Beep.

He cried then.


Meanwhile in the Galactic Death Ship Zargon


“Are you sure they won’t mind?”

The voice belonged to Rae Squittlebottom, a short Thingian from the aptly named Planet Thingy, a large planet on the opposite side of the Solar System. His skin was a pale green color. And what hair he had was a light gray. His left nose was slightly bigger and runnier than his right one and his center eye protruded a little further than the other two. As Thingians go, he wasn’t half bad looking. Except for his height. The Thingian was no more than Q units tall. Rather embarrassing when the other Thingians were at least K units tall.

He disguised his height with his voice. It was rather deep for a Thingian. He lived by the old adage, “If you speak with enough authority they’ll die.”

Or was that, “If you kill them they’ll die”? He couldn’t remember.

The question in question was directed to his companion, another Thingian named Sqond Qundlenoodel. He was an average Thingian. A hair under above K units with a tuft of white hair protruding from his back.

Sqond, known as Sqindel to his friends, looked lazily at Rae. “What?”

“I said, ‘Are you sure they won’t mind?’” He repeated himself.

Sqond chortled. A strange sound for a Thingian. It was used as a laugh but sounded more like a Tringleezian death scream. Only not as loud.

“Of course they won’t mind. The general consensus seems be in agreement.”

“And what would that be?”

“Well,” Sqond began, “They seem to think that this is something of the worse day ever. A real gorth of a day.”

“Ah, I see.” Rae replied. Sqond doubted very much that he did.

“Anyway,” Sqond continued, “One of them, a man named Val Moore, says that it will happen anyway.”

“What?!” Rae exclaimed. “How does a complete ozone layer deplete itself naturally?” His voice was laced with incredulity.

“It doesn’t.” Sqond replied. Then he chortled again.


On Planet Earth


Josh woke up and that was quite possibly the biggest mistake of that afternoon.

He groaned when he remembered the call that came in earlier. He was afraid to ask himself just how much worse the day could get.

Honestly, he didn't think it could. Of course, that was what he thought before the phone call.

He sighed. He tried going back to sleep. If he was lucky he wouldn't wake up until...

If he was lucky he wouldn't wake up.

The phone rang.

He groaned. He reached across the bed to the phone on the nightstand. The caller ID read "Andrea Kolchek".

Well, he thought, unless she's calling to tell me she hates me this day just might get better.

He answered. "Hi. Please tell me you're not calling to say you hate me."

There was silence for a minute. And then her voice came on the line.

"Um, no. Actually I was wondering if we could meet somewhere."

"Always." he replied.


One Hour Later


"Hi." Andrea said.

Josh's smile was shy as he replied.

They started talking and didn't stop for some time. For Josh, this was heaven. He almost forgot to eat as he watched her talk. Oh, and if we hadn't mentioned it before; Josh was in love with this girl.

Time passed. The food slowly disappeared.

"I suppose you're wondering why I wanted to meet." she said.

"Well, I was a little curious and a bit leery too. This is honestly one of the worst days of my life."

"Well, um, I don't know how to say this." She looked not a little unsure of herself.

Josh quesitoned her with a glance.

"It's hard to explain," She said in defense of herself, "I can't just blurt out the fact that I'm in love with you." She blushed.

Josh was astounded. He couldn't say anything for a few minutes. When he finally found his voice he was able to tell her that he loved her too.

His day was finally looking up. No, check that, his life was finally looking up.

They embraced. It was ten minutes before they pulled apart. They looked into each other's eyes and laughed.

Josh leaned in to kiss her...and at that exact moment the Thingians decided to neutralize the ozone layer of the earth.


On The Zargon


It was Rae that spoke up first. "Whoa." There was silence."Look at it burn."

And indeed the planted was burning up. It started at the poles and worked its way up (or down depending upon which pole it was) until they met in the middle. First there were widespread floods. Until the water was evaporated. Then the planet just seemed to wither away until there was nothing left but a rock.

Sqond spoke up. "Let's do that again!"


On The Earth



A Few Moments Previously



To Do List


Hold Rally.
CHECK

Make Movie.
CHECK

XConsult ExpertsX


Hug Tree. [Pending]



Val Moore stood in the grove of elms in his backyard. If you stood close enough you might have heard baby noises as he talked to his trees.

"It's ok. Daddy gon' protect you. Yes he will. Would you like a hug?"

He embraced the tree. "There, there. Everything gon' be alright."

He was still hugging the tree when his Chief of Staff ran up to him. He was out of breath and could barely speak. "Mr...*pant*...Mr...*wheeze*...Mr. Moore...*inhale*..."

"Did I not tell you to refer to me as the Lord of Whales?"

"*gasp*...Sir...Sorry...*pant*...Poles...melting..."

"Yes? What do the polls say?"

*No, sir...*inhale* ...poles..."

"Poland? Ah, how are they?"

"*wheeze*...Sir...Ice caps...melting..."

"You mean...?"

"Yes, sir..."

Val looked astounded. He couldn't believe it. Then he jumped up with excitement.

"You mean I was right?"

The man could only nod.

"I was right! This is an important campaign issue. If the people see I am right they will vote for me," he started pacing as his Chief of Staff stared at him, "Abortion! That's an important issue. Yes. I will support choosing. It's a woman's right after all." He patted the tree. "Poor whales..."

Then a thought seemed to occur to him.

"Wait...the ice caps are melting...the ozone layer is...gone?"

The Chief of Staff nodded grimly.

"So...this is it...no more saving the whales or...hugging the trees...just..."

There was silence as the two men looked at each other. Neither spoke.

"Would you like a hug?"

The Chief of Staff nodded grimly.

Then a wave of fire overtook them both and they were annihilated.


On The Zargon


"Wow. That was amazing. What do you want to do now" Sqond asked his companion, Rae.

"I dunno. That kinda made me hungry."

"Ok. Let's grab some food and see if we made it on the Night O'Clock News."

It was indeed on the news that night. The Galactic News Network (GNN) had quite a few things to say about the Thingians who invented the Gone! Ozone Reduction Emitter (GORE). It was quite a galactic hit.


Later That Day



To Do List


Test GORE.
CHECK


"Hey, Rae, can you believe that guy thought that could happen naturally?"

They chortled.