Bob (A Fictitous Bob Story)

His heart was pounding as he mentally reviewed what he was about to do. Jump the fence, pick the flower. Jump the fence, pick the flower. His name was Bob and he was about to jump the fence and pick the flower. He swung his arms back and forth as if that motion would somehow carry him and his girth over the fence. With a helpful growl he ran forward and jumped. His belly landed on the fence post and he stopped. He grunted. He swung. He didn't move. He started sweating. He grunted some more. His feet started kicking around on the fence trying to get a hold, but he never found one. Instead, he leaned too far forward and flipped over the fence. Thud. His body smacked the ground and the breath left his body. He lay there wheezing for a few minutes before he had the strength to move. He stood up and cautiously approached the old woman's garden. He tip toed and silently (or as silently as you can be at his weight) crept up to the unwary, unsuspecting flower. He grabbed it and yanked. It didn't budge. He started muttering at the flower. He pulled it again. It still didn't budge. He spat on his hands, gripped the flower with both hands, and pulled with all his power. Veins starting poking out, but to no avail, the flower wouldn't move. He let go and started gasping and wheezing. Slam! Oh no! Someone just came out of the house! He quickly (or as quickly as he could at his weight, which was actually surprisingly quick) ran for cover behind a bush. He spotted the perpetrator. It was the old woman's grand son, a little boy of eight. He sauntered into the garden and spotted a beautiful flower in full bloom. He giggled and ran up to it. He stooped and plucked the flower from the earth. Bob was screaming on the inside. Then he was screaming vocally. He ran back into the garden and tackled the little boy. He stole the flower and then ran through the gate in the fence and headed back to his house. It was in the headlines the next day, Sasquatch Steals Smelly Flower (the kid obviously didn't see Bob before he tackled him, but only saw a large, fleeing thing. He naturally assumed it was Bigfoot). Bob didn't see it though, he was too busy planning what he would say to the woman the flower was intended for. Finally, he felt he had the right words. He walked down the street going over the words in his mind. He approached the door and knocked. She opened the door. Bob's jaw dropped. She was even more gorgeous than he remembered. She smiled. She even had more teeth than he remembered. OH! And she even shaved her moustache! He stammered through what he wanted to say. "Please...t-take t-this...flower...cuz I...l-love...yew." There. He had said it. He hadn't even forgotten any words. She looked at the newspaper she was holding. She looked at the flower. She look at Bob. "Bobby Bob Bobito! Did yew steal this flo'er?!" she yelled. He gulped. She had never used his full name before. He stammered, "Uh..Uh. No! I...borrowed it!" "Bobby Bob, I don't want to see yew ag'in!" "B-But...Georgina," he replied "I love yew!" She slammed the door. All that hard work, gone. She didn't even like the flower. Oh, well, that's Valentine's day for you.